


I am here (I wanna be lost, so lost that I'm found)

by threadgoodethebard (elevenagain)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 22:02:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17191112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elevenagain/pseuds/threadgoodethebard
Summary: “Are those Mollymauk's cards?”Even though Yasha's voice was quiet, it was still enough to cause Beau to jump and almost fall off of the log she was sitting on. And then, after that first moment of surprise, she realized it.“Oh fuck, Yasha, I'm so sorry! Shit, I didn't mean to…”As the monk fumbled with the cards, trying to put them back in her coat pocket, Yasha frowned and spoke again.“Sorry? What for?”“I didn't, uh, mean to be insensitive and shit, and make you think of him now…”Not quite knowing how to take it back, Beauregard lowered her head and averted her gaze.“Oh. You shouldn't worry. I'm always thinking of Mollymauk.”OrThrough a series of shared watches, memories of Mollymauk and quiet conversations, Beau and Yasha get to know each other and slowly help each other heal.





	I am here (I wanna be lost, so lost that I'm found)

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "I am here" by P!nk because I love that song (it's part of my Hawke playlist!) and because Marisha put it on Beau's playlist in relation to Molly. Basically, it's perfect for this fic.

One could say that the first time it happened was during that night in which Beau had tried to get Yasha to _huddle up for warmth_ , but Beauregard knew it just wasn't the case. No, that night had been about flirting and trying ( _and failing)_ to bed the barbarian, not about… whatever it was that was going on now.

 

No, the first time it happened was after they were back on solid ground after weeks in the sea. With the casters all tapped out and exhausted, Beau and Yasha had been granted the first watch of the night. And since they had been sleeping in boats for so long, Beauregard had ended up forgetting a little something about taking watches with her barbarian companion: after Beau could finally manage to take her eyes away from Yasha, it would get so quiet that the monk would almost believe she was all alone.

 

And it was in that moment of distraction and silence that Beau did what she had been doing nearly every night when finding herself on her own: she pulled that damn tarot deck she had taken from Molly's body.

 

“Are those Mollymauk's cards?”

 

Even though Yasha's voice was quiet, it was still enough to cause Beau to jump and almost fall off of the log she was sitting on. And then, after that first moment of surprise, she realized it.

 

“Oh fuck, Yasha, I'm so sorry! Shit, I didn't mean to…”

 

As the monk fumbled with the cards, trying to put them back in her coat pocket, Yasha frowned and spoke again.

 

“Sorry? What for?”

 

“I didn't, uh, mean to be insensitive and shit, and make you think of him now…”

 

Not quite knowing how to take it back, Beauregard lowered her head and averted her gaze.

 

“Oh. You shouldn't worry. I'm always thinking of Mollymauk.”

 

And there was something about the sincerity in those words that made Beau confess without thinking or worrying about her well-built walls.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, me too.”

 

And right before the deck was back in the monk's pocket, Yasha snatched it away. For a second, Beau worried that the barbarian was actually mad, but then the woman started shuffling the cards.

 

“What is the most ridiculous thing you saw him convince people of?”

 

At first, Beau frowned, confused. But then Yasha settled the deck between them and motioned with her hand for the monk to draw one, and it dawned on her. _Molly's game._

 

_Take my cards, set the deck down. Put a question on the deck, whoever draws the highest card has to answer it._

 

“Well, I got a nine.”

 

“Fifteen. Once, in route between cities, the Circus passed through a small village that worshipped the Platinum Dragon. That was… all they did, I think. Our caravan was tired and hungry, so Mollymauk got us food and lodge for the night on the promise that we would, uh, deliver a holy spectacle.”

 

“That you would _what!?”_ Beau's jaw was slackened.

 

“Yes. And most of us knew very little of Bahamut. Some numbers were just, er, acrobatics, with the people and the shouting of 'Bahamut can take you higher’”.

 

“Fuck, no! _Nott_ could come up with a better joke.”

 

“It was terrible,” Yasha agreed with a serious nod.

 

“How did you even get away with that shit?”

 

“Saving Toya for last. She was able to make a song that consisted of three words charm everyone. It was… impressive.”

 

“What were the three words?” She did ask, yes, but it did not mean she was not dreading the answer.

 

“Dragon, good, metallic.”

 

As Yasha shrugged, Beau snickered.

 

“That asshole couldn't come up with anything better!?”

 

“It wasn't her lyrics.”

 

“Oh no, I mean fucking Molly.”

 

“Oh. I think he wanted it to be ridiculous, actually.”

 

“Of course he did.”

 

After the laughter had died down, Beau started fidgeting with the card in her hand. She knew that, by the rules of the game, she did not have to answer the question too, but… she _wanted_ to. She wanted to talk about him.

 

“He didn't know that, and I would never want him to under different circunstances, but he, uh… made me believe that I could _maybe_ not be a terrible person.”

 

Someone else might have said that that was not ridiculous, might have tried to compliment Beau, but not Yasha. No, Yasha just looked intently at her and _listened._ And gods, that was exactly what Beauregard needed. She was afraid of what talking too much of Molly could do to Jester and Fjord, and that was not the kind of conversation she was used to having with Caleb or Nott. And yes, Caduceus always had good insight and interesting perspectives, but he had not known the tiefling, so it wasn't the same. No, what Beau needed was for someone to _listen_ and _get_ it.

 

“I've been a cynical fucker for as long as I can remember. I've done many shitty things. And I didn't think I could do better, that was not often told to me as I was growing up. But I've been _trying._   Hell, I know I still fuck up a lot, but I do want to manage that whole leaving places and things better than I found them. And yeah, it was that arrogant, infuriating, obnoxious asshole that made me believe I can actually do that. That made me _want_ to do that.”

 

Beauregard wished she had a mug of ale in her hands instead of a stupid solitary card. Gods, part of her really wished she could drown those emotions in cheap alcohol. However, another part felt something a little similar to _relief_ . The monk could not deny that it had felt kind of good to say all that. It was not so often that she said so much, and even less often that it was so personal and raw. But yes, it _did_ feel kind of good.

 

“Mollymauk was really special.”

 

“Yeah. I hate to admit it, but yeah, he actually was.”

 

As they sat in companionable silence, each lost in their own thoughts, they heard a disgruntled, annoyed voice coming from the tents.

 

“What the hell, Nott!? I said I was coming!”

 

“You were not fast enough, bastard man!”

 

Beau snickered quietly. “Seems like our watch is over.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Well, are you cold? We could always share a bedroll, you know.”

 

“No. My shawl is still warm. Is your coat… also warm, still?”

 

“Yeah, yeah, of course. Fine material and all that. Was only thinking of you, of course.”

 

“I see. Good night then, Beauregard.”

 

“Good night, Yasha.”

 

And as Beau entered her tent and smiled at a mumbling-in-her-sleep Jester, it dawned on her. It was one of the first times she and Yasha had really _talked._

 

With the weeks at sea and the barbarian's constant presence for quite a significant period of time, Beauregard had gotten more used to her and become able to actually function in her company. It wasn't that she wasn't interested anymore, because heck, if Yasha had accepted her playful offer, she would definitely be under the furs in the xhorxhasian's tent in the blink of an eye. It was just that seeing Yasha more and being wary of sleeping with someone you would be spending the next day with had made Beau a little more prepared to deal with her presence without shortcircuiting or putting her foot in her mouth.

 

Even so, she believed it was one of the first times Yasha had ever told her a story. Hell, it was one of the first times she had talked to the barbarian about… _ugh, her feelings_.

 

_And,_  they had talked of Mollymauk. That had been good.

 

_Yes_ , Beau thought to herself with a little sigh as she got in her bedroll, _this does feel good._

 

**Author's Note:**

> I debated making this story a big one-shot, but ultimately decided to multi-chapter it because I needed to get it out of my chest soon. Since episode 46, this idea has been going on and on around my head. I hope you guys find it entertaining (:  
> English is not my first language, so don't hesitate to point out any mistakes I make along the way.  
> Thank you for reading, and I would love to know what you think ^^


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